She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
