I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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