i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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