I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
