Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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