You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
wow bdsm is so cute
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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