"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This baby is an asshole
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
