i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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