I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
