I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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