Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
