My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
