a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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