hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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