I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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