Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
