they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize