if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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