i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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