I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
