Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
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We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.