so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
