I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
