yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
