the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
