I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
