Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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