You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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