he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.