can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.