So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
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Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever