I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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