I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
