Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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