just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
