fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
