i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
