I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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