I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
