Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
