Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
