She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
