Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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