I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
