I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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