Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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