it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
