its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
