i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
