All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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