so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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