Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
