The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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