jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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