I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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