i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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