Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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