Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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